Which child is mine?

Many regions in Kazakhstan do not allow referrals and require parents to "travel blind." Here is what I understand about the process.

A referral is what more commonly occurs in international adoption. Based on your criteria, a child is chosen for you, you are presented with a photo and/or video, and available medical information about the child. Based on this "referral" information, you make a decision whether or not to accept and travel to visit the child. You don't have to make the decision to formally adopt until after you have met the child in person, but the intent is that you will.

In Kazakhstan, "traveling blind" is preferred by the government. Your criteria is reviewed in-country, when it is determined by the facilitator that children meeting your criteria in a certain region are available, you are issued a letter of invitation to travel to Kaz to select a child. This sounds a bit like shopping at the pet store, but actually not. What happens is that you go to the baby house and are shown a child that is selected by the baby house director. You spend a short amount of time (usually only 15-20 minutes) with the child, then are asked if you want to bond with that child. You can say yes, or you can ask to see additional children. If there are other children that fit what you are looking for at that orphanage, you will be shown another child. From what I understand, most parents don't see more than 3-4 kids during this process and almost always identify the child that is meant to be theirs almost immediately upon meeting them. Medical information is only translated and given to you to review after you have selected a child for bonding. You then can have the medicals and photos/video you take reviewed by an international adoption doctor in the US.

And a bit about the bonding process, which is the same regardless of whether you get a referral or travel blind: The 2-week bonding period is required by Kazakhstan law. You visit your child once or twice a day for a few hours so you can get to know the child and the child can get to know you. This is also how the orphanage director "observes" you with the child, so she can make a recommendation to the judge. Once you decide to "bond" with a certain child, you sign some additional paperwork and no one else is shown "your" child. At anytime during this period, you can change your mind. You are encouraged to do so early on and mainly for medical reasons, although not mandatory. After the bonding period, you go before the court to declare your desire to adopt the child. Still doesn't become final for another couple of weeks, but more about that later.

I think the bonding period is invaluable for me and the child. It is one of the primary reasons I chose Kaz. You aren't the complete stranger yanking the baby away from all he/she has likely ever known. It is still traumatic, but a much easier adjustment for the child. And you also get to know the baby and can make a more informed decision based on your interaction with him/her. I'm leaning towards traveling blind. Referrals are still available in Kaz, but it is not unheard of that a referral is "lost" to other parents by the time you travel to visit. I also like the idea of choosing my own child, even though the kids you are shown are actually chosen for you! I guess it is partly the principle of the thing. It's also the scariest and most stressful part of this entire process. How do you go about picking a child?! A worry for a different day.

The Library. Amazon loves me!

As they say "knowledge is power." What they don't say is that it can scare the hell out of you and keep you awake at night! Here's the list of books so far, in no particular order; it continues to grow and will eventually contain books for my kid as well. Any recommendations on parenting, adoption topics, or child development/medical books are appreciated!

• Adopting on Your Own, L. Varon
• Cross-Cultural Adoption, A. Coughlin and C. Abramowitz
• The Post-Adoption Blues, K. Foli and J. Thompson
• A Love Like No Other, P. Kruger and J. Smolowe
• Beyond Good Intentions, C. Register
• Our Own, T. Maskew
• Talking with Young Children about Adoption, M. Watkins and S. Fisher
• Attaching in Adoption, D. Gray
• Toddler Adoption - The Weaver's Craft, M. Hopkins-Best
• Once in Kazakhstan, K. Rosten
• Lifebooks - Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child, B. O'Malley
• Adoption Parenting, J. McLeod and S. Macrae
• Best Baby Products, Consumer Reports
• 55,000+ Baby Names. B. Lansky
• Russia - A Quick Guide to Customs and Etiquette
• Caring for Your Baby and Young Child - Birth to Age 5, S. Shelov
• What to Expect - the Toddler Years, A. Eisenberg, H. Merkhoff, S., Hathaway
• Kazakhstan - Coming of Age, M. Fergus

Adoption Terminology

There is an entire language around adoption, some follow it some don't, but below are a few terms that I find worthwhile:

• PAP -- prospective adoptive parent (that's me right now!)


• parent -- not adoptive parent


• the child -- never the "adopted child" -- adoption is only a process and ultimately an event; it is how the child becomes part of my family, but does not define the child


• birth or biological mother/father -- not the "real" mother/father -- I will be the child's mother and I'm real


• birth or biological children -- not "own" children


• child placed for adoption -- not an unwanted child

When will your child be home?

Well, wish I knew. EVERYONE is asking and I don't have a good answer. The one thing to expect in the adoption process is the unexpected. Anything can change and cause delays. The voice in my head says early 2008. My placement agency coordinator said by the end of the year, but that was over a month ago. Frankly, I'm kind of not asking at this point. It will happen when it happens and not much I can do about it in the meantime. Just one more thing to stress about. Besides, I have many house projects planned, then have to start on the kid's room. I think the time will fly; I can't believe I have been in Colorado for over 7 months already! But, just in case, keep all your fingers and toes crossed that I'll be a mom by Christmas!

Homestudy. Again.

Although my homestudy was signed off and considered done over a week ago, I discovered a bunch of errors when I went to pick up the notarized copy for my dossier. I got in touch with my social worker and we got it fixed. Problem now though, is the lead social worker that has to sign off on all homestudies only signs on Thursdays, and my revised homestudy didn't get to her in time. And it also seems, my placement agency wasn't sent a copy for the final review either. So now (keep your fingers crossed) it is this week. Two weeks after it was supposedly finished. The homestudy is on the critical path for everything else. Sigh. All part of the process I guess.

Fur Babies

Jealous spats are increasing in frequency at my house, and all too often on my bed in the middle of the night! I wonder how Callie and Merlin are going to handle a new addition: a screaming, rambunctious toddler who gets all of Mommy's attention? It will be a BIG adjustment for us all!

Parent Training

The state of Colorado requires 24 hours of "parent" training for international adoption. This isn't the "how do you change a diaper" or "taming temper tantrums" kind of training (which I need too), but rather adoption specific issues like attachment, bonding, and orphanage delays. I went to the third class today and the discussion included sign language (basic signs to help bridge the language barrier) and inter-racial adoption.

While it will be easy and in my nature to love a child of a different ethnicity, raising a child from a different race in this world isn't as simple. Many things to think about and to prepare for -- for myself and my child.

Answering the Questions

Many people are asking me questions related to the why and how of my adoption plans. Following are several posts in which I have tried to give a brief answer to the most common questions. Feel free to ask more and I will keep on posting! Gives me something to do while I wait for the paper process to come to an end.

Why don't you just have a baby?

Okay, so it might be cheaper and take less time (so they say!), but I want to be a Mom and that doesn't require giving birth. At my age, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and delivering a healthy baby and staying healthy myself during the process has only a small chance of succeeding. I could go through the sterile and impersonal process of selecting a donor from a list, spend thousands of dollars being impregnated, and still not have a child in the end. While adoption has its risks, I WILL have my own baby in the end. Someone on one of the Yahoo! Groups I belong to said it well: "My child is growing in my heart, not in my body."

What do you have to do to adopt?

More like, what don't I have to do! In a nutshell, I have to have approvals to adopt from the state, US immigration, the Kazakhstan government, and finally the Kazakhstan judge. The process starts with a "homestudy" performed by a state social worker (which requires intense scrutiny of my entire life to date) , then I have to submit a ton of paperwork (my "dossier") to the Kazakhstan government. The paperwork necessary for both the homestudy and dossier include criminal background checks from local police departments as well as the FBI and state child abuse registries, financial, employment, medical evaluations, references, guardian affidavits, etc. Literally over 30 documents that have to be compiled, exactly to the letter, notarized, and apostilled (a verification by the Secretary of State that the notary is authentic). And because some of the documents (especially fingerprints) have to be current when I travel to Kaz, I'll have to do some of them again in a few months. Then they all have to be translated into Russian! They call this the "paper pregnancy." And to go with the paperwork, I get to write nice fat checks to the agencies! Painful, but worth the agony in the end.

Why don't you adopt a child in the US?

The statistics go something like this: for every baby available for adoption in the US, there are 800 couples wanting to adopt. Simply put, there are not that many healthy children available to single parents in the US. Additionally, many US adoptions are for fostered children, as the US tries to keep children with birth parents and families and only makes a child available for adoption if that proves impossible after many years in the "system." Many of these children have been in abusive situations and need a lot of special attention once placed. The other alternative is the "open" adoption, which is very popular here, where the adoptive parents know the birth mother and she may continue to be involved in the child's life. Other factors with US adoption are the length of time it can take -- many years -- and that birth parents can often "reclaim" children even after an adoption is considered final. For all of these reasons, I have chosen to adopt internationally as many other singles choose to do.

Why Kazakhstan?

There are only a handful of countries that are "open" to single, older women adopting. I considered China, Russia, Guatemala, Ukraine, and several other Eastern European countries. After doing tons of research, I decided on Kazakhstan because they have an established international adoption process (nearly 600 children a year are adopted by US parents), the orphanages are better than in many countries, the government requires a mandatory 2-week bonding period with the child before the adoption can be finalized, and you get to choose the child, rather than one being referred to you. I'll post more on this process as I prepare for it and go through it, but these things were important to me and felt right in comparison to my other options.